Kimaya Diggs Deeper 008: Everyone is annoying
You know who annoys me? My friends. My family. You. Literally everyone.
Song of the day
The song of the day is TWO songs that I think capture some of the anxiety of this topic, both by Eric Slick!
Freakin’ Out (which coincidentally, I happen to sing on)
Everyone is annoying
Let me start with a disclaimer. I know that some of you may be reading this to see is this about me????? In my personal moral code, I don’t subtweet people, I don’t throw shade covertly, and I don’t write a 1700-word Substack post to craftily call out someone’s behavior. I just don’t think that kind of thing is right. All the examples used in this post are made up, and they’re not about you.
Take a second to take that in.
That said, if you text me and ask “is this about me?” I’m gonna say YES. Just for fun.
A lot of people are scared of being annoying, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
The people I love and like the most on this earth have all annoyed me at some point. I think it’s just part of life. Some people in my life annoy me more frequently than others – and for some of them, big parts of the way they move through the world annoy me. But I still choose to have them in my life.
What does it mean to be annoying? I’m not talking about the definition, because that changes with context and personal preference, but what are the implications of being annoying, and why is the prospect of being annoying so terrifying to so many people?
I think that
😒 It puts you at odds with a (preferred dynamic), which means you’re an outsider.
😖 It calls your (social) skills into question, which can be embarrassing.
😳 It means you’ve stepped out of someone’s realm of preference.
😬 It can mean that you’re making social “mistakes.”
I’m gonna write a little bit about the types of annoyingness I come into contact with on a regular basis, and then share my thoughts about why annoyingness is good for us as creatives, and good for us as people.
Types of annoyingness I often encounter:
*a reminder to people reading this: these are made up examples and they are not. about. you.
When people think they take up too much space/refuse to be fully present.
I’m talking about the people who won’t sit down because there are only 3 empty chairs, but they also won’t go get another chair. The people who have a hard-won project to promote, yet apologize for posting about it.
When people don’t believe you mean what you’re saying.
These folks are afraid to take the last piece even when it’s been offered. They might ask “are you sure?” a lot. They’re scared to chime in on decisions. It’s a passive form of annoyingness because it puts a huge burden on everyone else to mind-read their wishes.
When people go on a benevolent oblivious rampage.
Someone in this mode might be talking soooo loudly and steamrolling others, completely unaware of the dynamics of a room. They might come across as carelessly inconsiderate.
When people hate themselves and resist love.
This person is in a mood where they really believe they’re worthless and will never find happiness or contentment. And they think they deserve that.
When people repeat the same mistakes over and over.
This friend repeats cycles without any reflection. It’s annoying from the outside because the patterns seem so incredibly clear.
When people have no sense of perspective.
Small things seem huge. Big things seem tiny. The future is either easy-peasy or literally hell on wheels. Work is a nightmare or a daydream. There’s no in-between and no sense of continuity.
SPOILER ALERT: I have been, and currently am, every single one of these. Frequently.
Same goes for you. There are people I know who fall into one category more frequently than others, but we’ve all felt these feelings, and we’ve all been considered annoying for it.
Annoyingness is the result of some sort of friction
I’ve been thinking about annoyingness for literally years now, because I’m fascinated by the way that someone being annoying has never lessened my love for them. In fact, it’s almost exclusively deepened my love for people, because in showing insecurity/carelessness/etc, it means I’m seeing a picture of someone that’s more real. It also gives me proof that our relationship can bounce back from an adverse experience. I hope my friends feel the same way about me.
For context: strangers rarely annoy me because I don’t care enough about them to think about whether or not they’re aligning with my vibe/mood/preferences/energy levels/etc.
I think that most annoyingness comes from fear, or anxiety, or uncertainty, or even just being preoccupied – I’m pretty sure I was profoundly annoying in the immediate months after my mom died, because I simply couldn’t listen to anyone when they talked, I was physically & emotionally ill, and I wasn’t sleeping. Other annoyingness comes from a personality mismatch (whether long-term or short-term – sometimes my friends and I have weird patches of getting on each other’s nerves because of random stuff happening in life!), an energy mismatch, or a focus mismatch.
(Sometimes I call this the “cousin effect,” ie when you sleep over at your favorite cousin’s house and by the time you leave, you’re fighting with each other because you’ve spent too much time together.)
A feeling of annoyance seems to be the natural result of a communication flow being impeded. Often both parties have a sense that something’s a bit off. Sometimes only one person notices. Sometimes both people think they’re bothering the other one, or vice versa. It can be unsettling and put you on the back foot.
I know for myself, I’ll leave interactions every now and then ready to analyze everything that went down so I can find the source of the weirdness.
But ultimately, I think that annoyingness is a sign that your relationships are deepening.
Annoyingness is ALSO the natural result of creativity and play!
Most people have had a friend/partner interaction where one of you starts bothering the other, on purpose. Maybe one of you says “I’m just being annoying!” in a playful way. Most of us know how to be annoying for fun, in ways that feel safe. I think that a huge part of accessing a new level of creativity involves stepping into unknown places that feel strange, challenge you/your loved ones, and ultimately help you grow.
That said, fear of being annoying is the biggest thing holding me back. I think the opposite of Annoying is Cool? And while I don’t chase coolness now the way I did in my teen years, I’m still scared of being uncool. But even naming that fear here in writing helps. I want to make art so raw and so full of guts that people want to look away from it. I want to make things that make people cringe because they reflect the icky parts of myself that I know exist in everyone else. I want to stop calling those parts ‘icky’ because I truly believe that my emotions are neutral but important information that can be received and processed without judgment.
That’s what I come back to when I attempt to understand my fear of being annoying – my fear of being uncool. Annoyingness is morally neutral in almost every case – it’s not a sign of bad ethics, or stupidity, or laziness, or even selfishness. It’s typically a symptom of creativity, play, comfort, and friction, and/or a sign of something happening inside of you or someone else.
Annoyingness can often be the result of trying something new.
If you’re not experimenting, coming up against your own limits, trying new things, and playing, you’ll never be annoying.
Most importantly, annoyingness is relative.
This life is INCREDIBLY FUCKING SHORT. After someone does something embarrassing or annoying, I’ve often heard people say: well, when someone else has done a similar thing, you don’t think about it for long! No one’s going to remember what you did!
Guess what! Sometimes I do remember when other people fuck up! And I think about it for a long time! And it doesn’t matter if I’m still remembering it on my deathbed.
We’re here for the blink of an eye. There is so much pain to absorb. There is so much beauty to absorb. There is the mundane of survival. There is the thrill of thriving. The electrical impulses in our brains and bodies are doing spectacular, extraordinary things in every moment.
There is not enough time to shape yourself into someone that bothers no one, because that person does not exist.
If you’re loud, you’ll annoy the people who prefer quiet. If you’re quiet, you’ll annoy the people who love conversation. If you’re outgoing, you’ll annoy the person who likes to be the center of attention. If you self-efface, you’ll annoy the people who want to connect with you. And then, at the end of your life, what are you left with?
But I know not everyone thinks about the end of life as often as I do (lol don’t worry about meeeee). I know most people are thinking about what they’re going to do when someone calls them annoying. Or worse (maybe), when they hear from another person that someone called them annoying.
Here’s where I remind everyone that I’m not a philosopher – I’m just a mouthy gal who thinks a lot. I think that a wiser person might say “release your fear of being considered annoying, remind yourself of your value” etc. But I’m saying
THINK ABOUT HOW THEY’RE ANNOYING TOO. And then keep on with the incredibly hard work of digging deep and finding your truest, annoying-ass self. I love you for it.
On the annoying-to-cool spectrum, I place myself everywhere. I’m the annoyingest and I’m the coolest and I’m everything in between. Would my 16-year-old self think I’m cool now? Who cares, my 16-year-old self is busy making out with a boy under a bridge like a hormonal troll.
And to anyone who’s read this far and is wondering is this whole post about me?!?! Yes. It is. It’s about all of us. You annoy me to death and I hope you never stop.